Table of Contents
Introduction: A Journey into the Heart of a Complex Attraction
To ask the question, “Why am I attracted to married men?” is to embark on a courageous journey of self-discovery.
It is a question that carries significant emotional weight, often accompanied by feelings of confusion, shame, and frustration.
Society is quick to judge such attractions, yet rarely offers a space for genuine understanding.
This guide is intended to be that space—a compassionate, non-judgmental exploration of a common but seldom-discussed phenomenon.
The purpose here is not to pathologize or condemn, but to illuminate.
The attraction to a married man is not a simple character flaw; rather, it is a complex pattern with deep and understandable roots, woven from threads of evolutionary psychology, social conditioning, and, most importantly, personal history.1
This report will navigate the intricate landscape of this attraction through a comprehensive, four-part framework.
First, it will deconstruct the external factors that can make a “taken” man seem uniquely appealing, exploring the subtle psychological and biological forces at play.
Second, it will turn inward, examining the personal blueprint of desire and how individual life experiences, particularly early attachment patterns and issues of self-worth, can create a powerful, subconscious pull toward unavailable partners.
Third, it will present an unvarnished look at the emotional and psychological reality of these relationships, moving beyond the initial thrill to understand their true cost to all involved.
Finally, and most crucially, it will offer a therapeutic roadmap for healing and change.
Understanding is the essential first step toward empowerment.
By bringing these hidden dynamics into the light, it becomes possible to untangle the knots of compulsion, heal the underlying wounds, and consciously choose a path toward relationships that are not only available but also deeply fulfilling and secure.3
This journey requires honesty and self-compassion, but it holds the promise of profound personal growth and the freedom to build the loving connections one truly deserves.
Part I: Deconstructing the Phenomenon – The External Pull of the “Taken” Man
Before delving into the deeply personal drivers of this attraction, it is essential to understand the broader psychological and evolutionary currents that can make a married man appear more desirable.
These external factors can create an initial, often unconscious, pull that is independent of any individual’s specific life history.
They form the backdrop against which a more personal story unfolds.
The Evolutionary Echo: Mate-Choice Copying and the “Pre-Screened” Partner
At a primal level, human attraction is not always an independent, rational process.
It is often influenced by the choices and behaviors of others, a phenomenon known in evolutionary biology as “mate-choice copying”.5
This concept, observed across a wide variety of species from fish to birds to mammals, suggests that an individual’s preference for a potential mate can be swayed by seeing that mate chosen by someone else.7
In essence, it is a form of social learning that functions as an evolutionary shortcut.
Assessing the quality of a potential long-term partner is a costly endeavor, requiring significant time, energy, and emotional investment.
Mate-choice copying allows an individual to bypass some of these costs by relying on the judgment of others.8
A married man, in this context, is a “pre-screened” or “vetted” commodity.10
His wedding ring serves as a powerful, non-verbal signal that he has been deemed worthy of a long-term commitment by at least one other woman.
This endorsement suggests he possesses qualities that are difficult to observe directly but are crucial for a stable partnership, such as the willingness and capacity to commit, provide resources, or offer emotional support.11
He is perceived as a “known” quantity, which can seem far more appealing than a single man, who represents an “unknown” and potentially riskier investment.10
The power of this effect has been demonstrated empirically.
In one landmark study, a staggering 90% of single women reported interest in a man when they were told he was in a relationship, whereas only 59% were interested when they believed he was single.10
Another study found that women spent significantly more time looking at photographs of men who were depicted as being part of a couple compared to those shown alone, an effect not observed in men looking at women.7
This suggests that mate-choice copying may be a particularly salient strategy for women, for whom, from an evolutionary perspective, the costs of a poor mate choice have historically been higher.11
However, this evolutionary echo is not a monolithic force; it is nuanced and subject to several moderating factors.
Research indicates the effect is often more pronounced in younger, less experienced women, who may have had fewer opportunities to develop their own sophisticated criteria for mate assessment and thus rely more heavily on social cues.
More mature women, conversely, may have honed more independent methods for evaluating a partner’s quality.7
The quality of the “endorser” also matters.
A phenomenon known as “mate quality bias” suggests that the attraction to a taken man is amplified if his current partner is perceived as being highly attractive or desirable.7
The logic is simple: an endorsement from a high-value individual carries more weight.
Finally, the effect has its limits.
While a man in his first marriage might seem appealing, a man depicted as having had five previous relationships sees his attractiveness plummet, even to inexperienced women.7
This indicates that the signal is not merely about a willingness to commit, but a capacity for
successful, stable commitment.
This evolutionary framework reveals a fascinating paradox between theory and practice.
While numerous studies show that women may rate married or coupled men as more attractive in abstract scenarios, such as viewing photographs, this preference often evaporates when faced with a real-world decision.
When asked who they would rather have dinner with, engage in a sexual relationship with, or start a new relationship with, women consistently and overwhelmingly choose available, single men.7
This suggests that for many, the initial, reflexive pull of mate-choice copying is successfully overridden by higher-order cognitive processes involving ethical considerations, practical realities, and respect for established relationships.
The initial “ping” of interest is checked by a conscious “reality check.” The critical question for an individual who finds herself consistently acting on this attraction is, therefore, what internal factors might be disabling or overriding this crucial reality-check mechanism, allowing the primal echo to dictate conscious choice?
This leads to the ultimate irony of the mate-copying phenomenon.
The entire basis of the attraction rests on the man’s perceived qualities of stability, safety, and commitment-worthiness, all symbolized by his marital status.7
Yet, the very moment he reciprocates interest and engages in an affair, he demonstrates conclusively that he is, in fact, disloyal, untrustworthy, and willing to break his most significant commitment.
He shatters the very illusion that made him attractive.7
This profound cognitive dissonance reveals that the attraction is likely not about a rational assessment of the man’s true character.
His actions prove the initial assessment to be false.
Therefore, the allure must be rooted in something deeper—not what the man
is, but what he symbolizes, even if that symbolism is a fantasy that the affair itself immediately invalidates.
This points away from the man himself and toward the internal world of the person who is attracted to him.
The Maturity Mirage: The Illusion of Stability and Security
Beyond the primal pull of evolutionary heuristics, married men often project a powerful and appealing image of maturity and stability.
In a modern dating landscape that can feel chaotic, unpredictable, and populated by individuals who seem to avoid commitment, a married man can appear as an oasis of calm and competence.1
He has experience navigating the complexities of a long-term partnership, which can refine his social skills, deepen his emotional awareness, and lend him an air of sophistication that many single counterparts may lack.1
This perceived competence often extends to other areas of life, creating an impression of financial stability and social integration.
This leads to what can be termed the “safety paradox.” Ironically, a man who is unavailable for a legitimate relationship can feel like a “safer” emotional bet.
He has already demonstrated a capacity for commitment and has a proven track record of maintaining a long-term relationship, creating a powerful illusion of security.1
He seems to have his life “together,” a quality that can be intensely attractive to someone seeking stability.
However, this perception is often a “maturity mirage,” an illusion that quickly dissipates upon closer inspection.
The most glaring contradiction lies in the man’s character.
His very willingness to deceive his spouse and engage in a clandestine affair reveals deep-seated character flaws that are antithetical to true maturity.
A polished exterior can hide a concerning capacity for compartmentalization, deception, and emotional manipulation—traits that will inevitably surface and define the dynamic of the affair relationship as well.1
The man who is a “good partner” to his mistress is, by definition, a “bad partner” to his wife, and this duality cannot be sustained without a fundamental lack of integrity.
Furthermore, the idea that marriage automatically confers maturity, happiness, or stability is a societal myth that is not consistently supported by research.
While some studies show married individuals report better health, others reveal a more complicated picture.13
Longitudinal studies that follow individuals over time have found that people do not generally become happier after getting married.
At best, there is often a temporary spike in life satisfaction around the time of the wedding, which then returns to pre-marital levels.14
For women in particular, some studies indicate that life satisfaction and general health can decline, and psychological distress can increase after getting married.13
Similarly, the common belief that married men are more financially successful—the “male marriage wage premium”—is also more complex than it appears.
Economists have long debated whether this is a “treatment” effect (marriage makes men more productive) or a “selection” effect (men who are already more responsible, stable, and have higher earning potential are more likely to be selected as marriage partners in the first place).
A growing body of evidence suggests the selection effect plays a significant, if not dominant, role.15
The stability and success one might find attractive in a married man may be the
cause of his marriage, not the result of it.
A different, more subtle dynamic may also be at play, which can be called the “safe to be myself” phenomenon.
Anecdotal reports and forum discussions reveal that some women feel more relaxed and able to be their authentic selves around married men precisely because the possibility of a romantic relationship is, in theory, off the table.18
Interactions with single men can be fraught with performative pressure and the tension of mutual assessment.
In contrast, a married man can be perceived as a “safe zone” for platonic friendliness, allowing for a more natural, unguarded interaction.
This very authenticity, born from a perceived lack of romantic pressure, can paradoxically become the seed of a genuine emotional connection.
One might develop feelings for the person they get to know when their guard is down.
This relaxed, friendly behavior can also be misinterpreted by the man as romantic interest, initiating a cycle of flirtation.
In this scenario, the attraction does not begin with a desire for a married man, but with a craving for the
type of authentic interaction that his married status seems to permit.
The underlying need is for genuine connection, and the affair becomes a dysfunctional pathway to experiencing it.
The Thrill of the Forbidden: Reactance, Challenge, and the Psychology of Taboo
Human psychology has a peculiar and powerful feature: we are often drawn to what we cannot have.
The very act of forbidding something can make it intensely desirable.
This principle, known as psychological reactance, posits that when our freedom to choose or act is threatened or eliminated, we become motivated to restore that freedom, often by desiring the forbidden option even more strongly.19
The societal, moral, and ethical prohibitions against pursuing a committed individual create a perfect storm for reactance.
As Mark Twain famously wrote, “There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable”.20
This dynamic is also known as the “forbidden fruit” effect.
Research has shown that when people are subtly prevented from paying attention to attractive individuals, their desire for and memory of those individuals actually increases.19
The relationship with a married man becomes more alluring
because it is off-limits.23
The obstacles, secrecy, and illicit nature of the affair can generate a level of excitement and passion that is often absent from the more mundane realities of conventional dating.10
The need to sneak around, the stolen moments, and the “us against the world” narrative can create a huge turn-on, an intoxicating sense of adventure where the relationship’s intensity is easily mistaken for genuine intimacy.25
Another psychological principle that fuels this attraction is effort justification.
Humans have a tendency to place a higher value on outcomes and rewards that require more effort to obtain.20
An affair with a married man is fraught with obstacles: managing schedules, maintaining secrecy, and navigating complex emotional landscapes.
The sheer amount of effort required to sustain the relationship can lead individuals to overvalue it, convincing themselves that it must be incredibly special and profound to be worth all the trouble.
This interplay of psychological forces is further complicated by the “ironic process model,” which suggests that the very act of trying to suppress a thought makes it more prominent and intrusive in our minds.22
An individual who is attracted to a married man is likely aware that she “shouldn’t” feel this way and may actively try to push the thoughts and feelings away.
However, these attempts at thought suppression are likely to backfire, making the attraction feel even more powerful and obsessive, thus creating a vicious cycle.
The external prohibition—the man’s marital status and the social taboo—acts as a powerful external limit.
Research makes a crucial distinction between inattention to alternatives that is
internally motivated (a conscious choice to protect one’s relationship, which is healthy) and inattention that is externally imposed (being forced not to look, which ironically increases temptation).22
The struggle against the attraction, fueled by external rules, may therefore be one of the key factors sustaining it.
This reveals that the path to change is not to “fight” the attraction harder, but to understand and alter the underlying reasons it holds such power, thereby shifting the motivation from external prohibition to internal choice.
Part II: The Internal Compass – Uncovering Your Personal Blueprint for Desire
While external factors can create a general pull, the decision to cross the line from a fleeting thought to a sustained pattern of attraction is almost always rooted in a deeply personal, internal landscape.
This landscape is shaped by our earliest experiences, our sense of self, and our deepest fears about love and connection.
To truly understand the “why,” one must look inward at the subconscious blueprint that guides desire.
The Shadow of the Past: How Attachment Styles Shape Adult Attraction
One of the most powerful frameworks for understanding relational patterns is attachment theory.
Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, the theory posits that our earliest bonds with primary caregivers create an internal working model, or “attachment style,” that serves as a blueprint for all future romantic relationships.3
This blueprint shapes who we are drawn to, how we behave in relationships, and what we fundamentally believe about love, intimacy, and our own worthiness.
A core principle of this framework is the power of the familiar.
As human beings, we are wired to seek out what feels known and predictable, even if that familiarity is associated with pain or neglect.27
If the emotional climate of one’s childhood was characterized by distance, inconsistency, or the sense that love had to be earned, then a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner in adulthood will feel, on a deep, subconscious level, “normal” or “right”.2
The constant longing for someone who is just out of reach, the anxiety of not knowing where one stands, and the feeling of never being fully chosen can be a tragically comfortable emotional home for those who grew up in it.2
This dynamic is most clearly illustrated in what is known as the “anxious-avoidant trap.” An individual with an anxious attachment style typically fears abandonment, craves closeness, and often feels that they must work hard to prove their worth to earn a partner’s love and prevent them from leaving.3
Conversely, an individual with an
avoidant attachment style is uncomfortable with deep intimacy, values independence to an extreme, and tends to pull away or create distance when a relationship becomes too emotionally close.27
A married man is, by definition, the quintessential emotionally unavailable, avoidant partner.
He is structurally incapable of offering full commitment and consistent presence.
For a person with an anxious attachment style, this creates a devastatingly addictive dynamic.
He provides intermittent reinforcement—periods of intense attention and connection followed by inevitable withdrawal as he returns to his primary life.
This push-pull cycle generates high levels of anxiety, hope, and despair, a volatile cocktail of emotions that is often mistaken for profound passion or “chemistry”.25
The anxiously attached person becomes trapped in a loop of chasing a partner who is perpetually retreating, re-enacting a painful but familiar childhood script.
This pattern is not a conscious desire for pain.
It is a subconscious, and ultimately tragic, attempt to heal a core wound from the past.3
The internal logic goes something like this: a childhood experience, such as having an emotionally distant or physically absent parent, creates a core wound and an associated belief (e.g., “I was not good enough to make my father stay,” which translates to the belief, “I am unlovable unless I can win over someone who is distant”).
In adulthood, the individual is unconsciously drawn to a partner—the married man—who perfectly mirrors the unavailable caregiver.
The subconscious goal is not to repeat the pain, but to
change the ending.
The hope is that by “winning” this person’s love, by being so special that he leaves his established life, the original wound will finally be healed.
It is an attempt to retroactively prove one’s worth to the original source of the pain.
This, of course, is a futile strategy.
An emotionally unavailable person is, by their very nature, incapable of providing the consistent, secure love needed for healing.
One is seeking medicine in a place that only offers more of the poison.
True healing cannot come from winning an unwinnable game; it must come from addressing the original wound directly, outside the context of the dysfunctional relationship.
The following table provides a tool for self-reflection, illustrating how different insecure attachment styles can create a vulnerability to this specific pattern of attraction.
| Attachment Style | Core Fear | Core Belief About Love | Typical Behavior in Relationships | Why a Married Man is “Attractive” |
| Anxious-Preoccupied | Abandonment | “I must earn love; I am not enough on my own.” | Seeks intense closeness and validation; prone to anxiety and over-giving; difficulty being alone. | “His unavailability is a challenge. If I can win him over his wife, it will finally prove I am worthy and lovable.” 29 |
| Dismissive-Avoidant | Engulfment / Loss of Independence | “I must be self-reliant; true intimacy is a threat to my freedom.” | Emotionally distant; values independence above all; avoids vulnerability and reliance on others. | “He offers connection with built-in distance. I can have a ‘relationship’ without the pressure of full commitment or being smothered.” 27 |
| Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) | Both Abandonment and Engulfment | “I desperately want love, but it is dangerous and will hurt me.” | Chaotic and contradictory behavior; desires intimacy but pushes it away when it gets too close; a “come here, go away” pattern. | “The chaotic, push-pull dynamic feels familiar. The inherent instability allows me to keep one foot out the door, protecting me from being either abandoned or engulfed.” 27 |
| Secure | N/A | “I am worthy of love; intimacy is safe and rewarding.” | Communicates needs clearly; sets healthy boundaries; comfortable with both intimacy and independence. | “His unavailability is a clear and immediate dealbreaker. This situation is unhealthy, disrespectful, and not something I would ever entertain.” 30 |
The Quest for Validation: Self-Worth and the Intoxicating Pull of Being “Chosen”
Closely linked to attachment patterns is the fundamental issue of self-worth.
When an individual’s sense of value is not securely anchored within, they will inevitably look to the external world—and particularly to romantic partners—for validation.
In this context, the attraction to a married man can become a high-stakes quest to affirm one’s worth.2
The feeling of being “chosen,” even for stolen moments, by someone who has already made a significant commitment to another person can provide a powerful, albeit toxic and temporary, psychological boost.1
This dynamic often transforms the affair into a competition, where the true prize is not the man himself, but the feeling of superiority over his wife.10
“Winning” him feels like a definitive victory, a testament to one’s superior desirability, sexual prowess, or ability to connect emotionally.31
This creates a potent and addictive, yet entirely false, sense of being special.1
The validation is intoxicating because it seems to answer a deep-seated question: “Am I more desirable than her?”
This pattern is often rooted in a subconscious belief that one is not worthy of whole, healthy, and available love.
Low self-esteem can create an internal script that says one only deserves “crumbs” or a part-time partner who cannot offer a full commitment.2
Settling for an unavailable man becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, a way of acting out the core belief that one is not good enough for anything more.
The relationship then becomes a perpetual and exhausting effort to prove one’s lovability.
The underlying hope is that if the man finally leaves his wife and chooses you, it will serve as the ultimate, undeniable validation of your worth.2
However, any sense of worth that is outsourced to another person’s choices is inherently fragile and can be taken away at any moment.
True worthiness is an internal state, not a prize to be won through romantic conquest.
The Safety of Distance: Fear of Intimacy and the “Perfect” Part-Time Relationship
There is a profound paradox at the heart of this attraction: for someone who harbors a deep, often unconscious, fear of true intimacy, an unavailable partner can feel much “safer” than an available one.
The pattern of attracting unavailable people is frequently a mirror of one’s own emotional unavailability and fear of vulnerability.27
A married man is, in this sense, a perfect partner for someone who is scared to truly open up.
The relationship comes with built-in limitations, a structural cap on how close the two can become, and a permanent, built-in escape route.20
This creates what can be called the “freedom facade”—the illusion of having the best of both worlds.1
One can experience the excitement and emotional connection of a relationship without the perceived pressures and demands of a full-time commitment, such as daily responsibilities, navigating conflict, or being truly vulnerable.1
This provides a false sense of control and independence, a belief that one can enjoy the benefits of partnership while maintaining complete autonomy.
This dynamic is ultimately a form of self-protection.
For an individual who has been deeply hurt or rejected in past relationships, an unavailable partner minimizes the risk of future devastation.
There is less pressure to be fully seen, and therefore, less risk of being fully known and then rejected.27
The potential end of the affair is an implicit, ever-present reality from the very beginning, which can make the eventual heartbreak feel less shocking and more like an expected outcome.20
When these internal drivers—attachment history, low self-worth, and fear of intimacy—are considered together, a crucial realization emerges.
The attraction is often not to the man as a unique individual, but to the role he plays in an internal psychodrama.
He is the stand-in for the unavailable parent whose love must be won.
He is the prize in a competition that is meant to validate a fragile sense of self.
He is the “safe” but distant partner who will not demand a level of intimacy that feels threatening.
His actual personality, his values, his flaws—these are all secondary to the psychological function he serves.
This explains why the glaring contradiction of his behavior (the fact that his infidelity proves he is not the stable, committed man he appears to be) does not register as a dealbreaker.
The relationship is not with the real man, but with the fantasy projected onto him.
Therefore, any path toward healing must involve turning away from the external object of attraction and focusing on the internal world from which the fantasy originates.
Part III: The Unvarnished Reality – The Emotional and Psychological Cost of an Affair
The initial phases of an attraction to a married man can be fueled by powerful psychological forces that create an illusion of excitement, specialness, and profound connection.
However, this illusion is unsustainable.
The reality of being involved in an affair is a landscape of profound emotional and psychological distress, not only for the person in the affair but for everyone in its orbit.
To move toward change, it is essential to look beyond the fantasy and confront the unvarnished truth of its consequences.
The Experience of the “Other Woman”: Navigating a Landscape of Secrecy, Hope, and Heartbreak
The role of the “other woman” is one of inherent contradiction and emotional volatility.
It is a life lived in the shadows, characterized by a painful and exhausting rollercoaster of extreme highs and devastating lows.34
The highs are fueled by the intensity of the forbidden connection: the feeling of being uniquely desired, the hope that the promises of a future together will one day be realized, and the validation that comes from believing one is the “soul mate” who provides what his primary relationship lacks.34
These highs, however, are invariably followed by crushing lows.
The reality of the situation brings intense jealousy and a profound sense of loneliness as the man returns to his public life, his family, and his wife.34
Seeing social media posts of his “happy family life” can feel like a deep betrayal, creating cognitive dissonance and doubt about everything he has said regarding his unhappy marriage.34
Over time, the secrecy and the status of being the “second choice” relentlessly erode self-esteem.
The constant, gnawing question of “Why am I not good enough to be chosen openly?” can lead to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression.34
The secrecy required by the affair also leads to profound social isolation.
There are few, if any, trusted friends or family members to confide in, leaving the individual to navigate the complex and painful emotions entirely alone.36
This isolation becomes particularly acute if the relationship ends.
The grief experienced is often “disenfranchised”—a loss that cannot be openly acknowledged, mourned, or validated by one’s social network.
The constant stress of hiding, managing the logistics of the affair, and fearing discovery creates a state of chronic anxiety and hyper-vigilance.1
This sustained stress takes a heavy toll on mental and physical health, leading to emotional exhaustion and burnout.1
Ultimately, the affair can consume one’s identity, with life revolving around the stolen moments and the hope of a future that may never come.
This can result in a loss of self and the development of a deep-seated cynicism about the nature of love, trust, and relationships in general.35
The Wider Impact: Understanding the Ripple Effects of Infidelity
The damage caused by an affair is never contained to the three individuals directly involved.
It creates a ripple effect, sending shockwaves of pain and disruption through entire families and social networks.1
It is crucial to understand this wider impact, as it provides a powerful moral and ethical impetus for change.
For the betrayed partner, the discovery of an affair is rarely just a heartbreak; it is a profound form of relational trauma.
It shatters the foundations of their reality, obliterating their sense of safety, trust, and shared history.
The psychological impact can be so severe that it mirrors the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Betrayed partners often experience intrusive thoughts and flashbacks of the discovery, debilitating anxiety, hyper-vigilance (e.g., constantly checking their partner’s phone), emotional numbness, and deep depression.38
Their self-esteem is often decimated, as they grapple with feelings of inadequacy and self-blame.40
The cheating partner, while the agent of the betrayal, is also not immune to the psychological fallout.
While the affair may begin as an exciting escape or a way to meet unmet needs, it almost invariably descends into a state of guilt, shame, anxiety, and the immense stress of leading a double life.41
His actions are often a symptom of his own emotional immaturity and an inability to address dissatisfaction or conflict within his primary relationship in a healthy, direct, and honest manner.43
Finally, the impact on children, should they exist, can be devastating and long-lasting.
The emotional turmoil, conflict, and potential dissolution of their parents’ marriage can destabilize their world, leading to long-term emotional and psychological consequences.
Friends and extended family members are also placed in difficult and painful positions, forced to navigate divided loyalties and the fallout of the broken trust.1
Recognizing that this attraction, when acted upon, contributes to such widespread suffering is a sobering but necessary step in finding the motivation to break the pattern.
Part IV: Rewiring Attraction – A Therapeutic Framework for Healing and Change
Understanding the complex roots of attraction to married men is a critical and illuminating process.
However, insight alone is not enough to create lasting change.
The final and most important part of this journey involves translating that understanding into concrete action.
This requires a dedicated therapeutic framework focused on healing the core wounds that drive the pattern, building a resilient sense of self-worth, and learning the practical skills of healthy relating.
This is how attraction is not just resisted, but fundamentally rewired.
The Foundation of Change: Cultivating Radical Self-Awareness
The journey of change begins with a pivotal shift in perspective.
It requires moving from a passive stance of victimhood to an active position of self-ownership.
The foundational step is to reframe the question from “Why do I attract married men?”—which implies an external force acting upon you—to “Why am I attracted to married men?”.2
This simple change in language is profoundly empowering.
It acknowledges that the pattern, while influenced by many factors, originates within one’s own internal world, which means one has the power to change it.
This process of cultivating radical self-awareness involves dedicated and honest self-reflection.
Journaling is an invaluable tool for this work.
It provides a private space to explore the patterns of attraction without judgment.
Probing questions can guide this exploration: When does this feeling of attraction arise most strongly? What situations or types of individuals trigger it? What feelings—such as loneliness, boredom, or insecurity—tend to precede it? What does the dynamic of this attraction remind you of from your family history or past relationships?.3
This process helps to bring unconscious motivations into conscious awareness.
A crucial part of this self-awareness is learning to identify the red flags of emotional unavailability with clarity and conviction.
This means moving beyond hope and fantasy to see behavior for what it Is. Create a concrete, written list of these red flags, based on past experiences and objective observation.
This list might include:
- Inconsistent communication: A pattern of being “hot and cold,” disappearing for periods, or only reaching out when it is convenient for them.44
- Avoidance of emotional depth: A reluctance or inability to discuss feelings, relationship dynamics, or the future in a meaningful way.45
- Words and actions do not align: Saying all the right things (“You’re so important to me”) while their actions (prioritizing their other life, canceling plans) demonstrate the opposite.45
- A refusal to be accountable: Blaming their unhappiness or their affair on their spouse or external circumstances, rather than taking responsibility for their own choices.
Having this list serves as a practical tool to ground you in reality when the pull of attraction feels strong.
Healing the Core Wound: Therapeutic Pathways to Secure Attachment
While self-awareness is the foundation, breaking deep-seated, trauma-rooted patterns often requires the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Therapy offers a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space to explore the sensitive history that underlies the attraction to unavailable partners.4
A skilled therapist can help you connect the dots between your past and your present, providing both insight and the tools for healing.
Several therapeutic modalities are particularly effective for this kind of work:
- Attachment-Based Therapy: This approach focuses directly on exploring your early attachment history and understanding how those formative experiences created your internal working model of relationships. The goal is to grieve past hurts and develop a “secure attachment” within yourself, so you no longer need to re-enact insecure dynamics with others.4
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): EMDR is a powerful, evidence-based therapy designed to help the brain process and heal from traumatic or distressing life experiences. If the attraction pattern is rooted in specific past events of neglect, abandonment, or betrayal, EMDR can help reduce the emotional charge of those memories, freeing you from their unconscious influence on your present-day choices.47
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a practical approach that helps you identify, challenge, and reframe the negative core beliefs that fuel the cycle. A therapist can help you uncover beliefs like “I am not worthy of love,” “I must earn affection,” or “Real love is chaotic and painful,” and then work with you to develop new, healthier beliefs based on self-worth and the reality of secure love.
- Psychodynamic Therapy: This modality delves into the unconscious conflicts and drives that are being played out in your relationships. It seeks to bring the hidden parts of the self into the light, fostering a deeper understanding of why you are drawn to these specific dynamics and empowering you to make more conscious choices.
Building from Within: A Practical Guide to Fostering Self-Worth and Emotional Resilience
The ultimate antidote to seeking validation from an unavailable partner is to build an unshakeable foundation of worth within yourself.
This is an active, ongoing practice of self-investment.
A critical first step is to consciously shift your dating goal from seeking validation to seeking connection.30
When you approach dating with the goal of being liked, chosen, or “winning” someone over, you are inherently placing your worth in their hands.
Instead, approach interactions with the mindset of discovering whether a genuine, reciprocal connection is possible.
This requires showing up as your authentic self, already secure in your own value.
This internal work also involves a commitment to personal growth that is entirely separate from your romantic life.
Invest time and energy in hobbies, career goals, friendships, and activities that bring you a sense of joy, competence, and purpose.49
The more you build a life that you find fulfilling on your own terms, the less power a romantic relationship will have to define your happiness or your worth.
Finally, you must prepare yourself for the fact that healthy love may initially feel uncomfortable.
If your nervous system has become accustomed to the anxiety, drama, and intensity of an insecure attachment dynamic, a relationship with a secure, available, and consistent partner can feel “boring” or even trigger anxiety because of its unfamiliarity.25
A key part of the healing process is learning to tolerate the calm of security.
Practices like mindfulness and meditation can help regulate your nervous system, allowing you to gradually retrain your body and mind to associate the feeling of safety, not chaos, with love.30
The Practice of Healthy Relating: Setting Boundaries, Identifying Red Flags, and Recognizing Security
The final stage of rewiring attraction involves putting all this internal work into practice in the real world of dating and relationships.
This requires a new set of skills and a commitment to behaving in ways that align with your goal of finding a secure partnership.
The most powerful tool in this new toolkit is the ability to set and maintain firm boundaries.
Boundaries are not walls to keep people out; they are gates that you control to protect your emotional well-being.44
In this context, it means making a non-negotiable decision to cease all contact with any married men to whom you are attracted.
It may also mean restructuring your social environment to minimize contact and temptation.49
When you do begin to date, do so with clear intention.
This means going slowly and taking the time to get to know a person’s character, values, and emotional capacity before becoming deeply invested.30
This approach naturally weeds out emotionally unavailable individuals and “love bombers” who seek intense, fast-paced connections that lack real substance.
A key test of a person’s availability is their response when you communicate your needs.
Practice stating your needs and expectations clearly and early in the dating process.
An emotionally available person will be willing and able to engage in these conversations and show a consistent effort to meet your needs.
An unavailable person will deflect, make excuses, or disappear.46
Their response is not a reflection of your worth; it is invaluable data about their capacity for a healthy relationship.
The following table serves as a practical reference guide, contrasting the old, unhealthy patterns with the new, secure practices that will lead to a different relational outcome.
| Old Pattern (Attraction to Unavailability) | New Practice (Cultivating Security) |
| Feeling a thrill from mixed signals and inconsistency. | Recognizing inconsistency as a red flag for unavailability and a sign of disrespect. 44 |
| Making excuses for his behavior (“He’s just busy,” “His wife doesn’t understand him”). | Holding him to the standard that actions must consistently match words. Walking away when they don’t. 45 |
| Feeling a need to “win” his affection, “fix” him, or prove your worth to him. | Seeking a partner, not a project. Looking for someone who is already emotionally whole and available. 44 |
| Hiding your own needs and desires to be more “appealing” or “low-maintenance.” | Stating your needs clearly and early to gauge his capacity and willingness to meet them. 46 |
| Confusing the anxiety, jealousy, and intensity of a push-pull dynamic with “passion” or “chemistry.” | Learning to associate the feeling of calm, consistency, and emotional safety with genuine connection and intimacy. 25 |
| Focusing on his potential and the fantasy of what the relationship “could be” if only things were different. | Focusing on the reality of his present behavior, character, and circumstances. 46 |
Conclusion: Choosing Your Future – The Path to Fulfilling and Available Love
The journey to understand an attraction to married men is a deep dive into the most intricate parts of the human heart and mind.
It reveals a complex interplay of evolutionary echoes, societal myths, and deeply personal histories.
As this guide has shown, this pattern is not a sign of being flawed or broken, but rather a logical, albeit painful, outcome of specific psychological drivers—from the subconscious pull of mate-copying to the powerful re-enactment of early attachment wounds.
The key takeaway from this exploration is one of profound hope: attraction is not destiny.
It is a pattern that can be understood, and once understood, it can be changed.1
The path forward involves a courageous commitment to self-awareness, a willingness to heal the core wounds of the past, and the dedication to build an unshakeable foundation of self-worth from within.
It requires learning to distinguish the intoxicating thrill of a challenge from the quiet strength of a genuine connection, and the chaos of an insecure dynamic from the deep peace of a secure one.
This work is not easy.
It demands that you turn your focus away from the alluring but ultimately unavailable other and turn it toward yourself.
It asks you to become the secure, loving, and available partner to yourself that you may have been seeking in others.
By embracing this process—whether through self-reflection, the support of trusted friends, or the guidance of a professional therapist—you are doing more than just avoiding future pain.
You are actively choosing a different future.
You are rewiring your internal compass to point not toward the familiar pain of unavailability, but toward the profound and lasting fulfillment of a love that is reciprocal, respectful, and, above all, fully available.4
Works cited
- Why single women find married men very attractive – Rolling Out, accessed August 11, 2025, https://rollingout.com/2025/02/02/married-men-attraction-psychology-2025/
- Why Do I Attract Married Men? – Love on Purpose – Orna and Matthew Walters, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.loveonpurpose.com/why-do-i-attract-married-men/
- Why You Might Attract Unavailable Partners | Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-might-attract-unavailable-partners
- Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners (And How to Break the Cycle), accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.therapistmirandacampbell.com/blog/why-you-keep-attracting-emotionally-unavailable-partners-and-how-to-break-the-cycle
- Mate choice copying – Wikipedia, accessed August 11, 2025, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mate_choice_copying
- Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences – Human Mate Copying as a Form of Nonindependent Mate Selection – Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://cdn2.psychologytoday.com/assets/human_mate_copying_as_a_form_of_nonindependent_mate.pdf
- The Science Of Why Women Are More Attracted To Married Men, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.fatherly.com/health/science-of-why-women-are-attracted-to-married-men
- Mate choice copying and mate quality bias: different processes, different species | Behavioral Ecology | Oxford Academic, accessed August 11, 2025, https://academic.oup.com/beheco/article/20/4/908/244132
- Mate Copying and the Effects of Sexual History on Romantic Desirability | Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://cdn2.psychologytoday.com/assets/mate_copying_and_the_effects_of_sexual_history_on_romantic_desirability.pdf
- Why Women Want Married Men | Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/apologies-to-freud/201210/why-women-want-married-men
- Are all the taken men good? An indirect examination of mate-choice …, accessed August 11, 2025, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1660608/
- Learning from in-group and out-group models induces separative effects on human mate copying – PubMed Central, accessed August 11, 2025, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10547020/
- Happy, Healthy and Wedded? How the Transition to Marriage Affects Mental and Physical Health – PMC, accessed August 11, 2025, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8888778/
- Is It True That Single Women and Married Men Do Best? – Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201701/is-it-true-single-women-and-married-men-do-best
- Why Do Married Men Earn More than Unmarried Men? – Columbia University, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.columbia.edu/~yc2444/Why%20Do%20Married%20Men%20Earn%20More%20than%20Unmarried%20Men.pdf
- Married men earn more than their unmarried counterparts – LSE Research Online, accessed August 11, 2025, http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/55689/1/MMWP_Russia_artJMF_R3.pdf
- For Love or Money: Why Married Men Make More | St. Louis Fed, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.stlouisfed.org/publications/regional-economist/april-2002/for-love-or-money-why-married-men-make-more
- Are women more attracted to married men or are married men misinterpreting friendliness with attraction? : r/AskWomenOver30 – Reddit, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1jhiwpn/are_women_more_attracted_to_married_men_or_are/
- Forbidden fruit: inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance – PubMed, accessed August 11, 2025, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21244177/
- Why Forbidden Love Is Often The Most Tempting | BetterHelp, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/why-forbidden-love-is-often-the-most-tempting/
- Allure of ‘Forbidden Fruit’ Can Stifle a Romance | UKNow – University of Kentucky, accessed August 11, 2025, https://uknow.uky.edu/research/allure-forbidden-fruit-can-stifle-romance
- The Forbidden Fruit in Relationships – Psych Central, accessed August 11, 2025, https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-forbidden-fruit-in-relationships
- Understanding the forbidden fruit effect – OSF, accessed August 11, 2025, https://osf.io/ndpwt/download/?format=pdf
- Name for the feeling that prohibited things are more desirable? : r/AcademicPsychology – Reddit, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.reddit.com/r/AcademicPsychology/comments/17ye9ws/name_for_the_feeling_that_prohibited_things_are/
- Are you attracted to emotionally unavailable people? – MyCoach Marta, accessed August 11, 2025, https://mycoachmarta.com/journal/are-you-attracted-to-emotionally-unavailable-people
- Are You Attracted to Unavailable People? – Judith Orloff MD, accessed August 11, 2025, https://drjudithorloff.com/are-you-attracted-to-unavailable-people/
- Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners – Joelle Rabow Maletis, accessed August 11, 2025, https://joellerabowmaletis.com/2025/04/18/attracting-emotionally-unavailable-partners/
- Why do I continuously keep falling for people who are emotionally unavailable? – Reddit, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/14qhury/why_do_i_continuously_keep_falling_for_people_who/
- Why people who are AP seek out emotionally unavailable people : r/AnxiousAttachment – Reddit, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/1d1snmi/why_people_who_are_ap_seek_out_emotionally/
- 5 Ways People Get Emotionally Unavailable Partners – Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-sex/202404/5-ways-you-attract-emotionally-unavailable-partners
- Why are woman more attracted to married men? When I was single , seemed it was harder finding a good woman. Now that I am married , I get hit on all the time. Why? – Reddit, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/1jglros/why_are_woman_more_attracted_to_married_men_when/
- The Psychology Of Emotional Unavailability — Modern Minds, accessed August 11, 2025, https://modernminds.com.au/journal/latest/the-psychology-of-emotional-unavailability-why-its-so-attractive
- Why Am I Attracted To Unavailable People: Break The Pattern – PIVOT, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.lovetopivot.com/attracted-to-unavailable-people/
- Being the other woman: The other side of infidelity – Counselling …, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/being-the-other-woman-the-other-side-of-infidelity
- 19 Crippling Psychological Effects Of Being The Other Woman, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/psychological-effects-of-being-the-other-woman/
- The Psychological Effects of Being the Other Woman – Kate London, accessed August 11, 2025, https://katelondon.com.au/the-psychological-effects-of-being-the-other-woman/
- Being the other woman: The other side of infidelity – Noel Bell Psychotherapist in London, accessed August 11, 2025, https://noelbell.net/being-the-other-woman-the-other-side-of-infidelity/
- Exploring Infidelity as a Trauma: Understanding Its Psychological Impact – Roamers Therapy, accessed August 11, 2025, https://roamerstherapy.com/exploring-infidelity-as-a-trauma-understanding-its-psychological-impact/
- 7 Long-Term Psychological Effects of Infidelity & How to Cope – Marriage.com, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/long-term-psychological-effects-of-infidelity/
- Understanding The Psychological Impacts Of Cheating In A Relationship: Infidelity & Its Impact On Mental Health | BetterHelp, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/understanding-the-psychological-impacts-of-cheating-in-a-relationship-/
- The Emotional and Psychological Impact of Affairs on Relationships, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.insightfulmatters.com/blog/the-emotional-and-psychological-impact-of-affairs-on-relationships
- Infidelity | Psychology Today, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
- An Unrecognized Reason That Married Men Have Affairs – Couples After Trauma, accessed August 11, 2025, https://couplesaftertrauma.com/2013/09/27/an-unrecognized-reason-that-married-men-have-affairs/
- How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners | San Francisco, CA, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.andreacrapanzanophd.com/blog/how-to-stop-attracting-emotionally-unavailable-partners
- Are You Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners? (Identifying Why & Tips to Change), accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.kimegel.com/blog/2020%20amp-stop-attracting-unavailable-partners/8/4/are-you-attracting-unavailable-how-to-identify-
- This is how you stop falling for unavailable people. — TherapyJeff, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.therapyjeff.com/videos/this-is-how-you-stop-falling-for-unavailable-people
- How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners | Realms of Life Counseling in Madison CT, accessed August 11, 2025, https://realmsoflifecounseling.com/how-to-stop-attracting-emotionally-unavailable-partner
- Help! My Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable – SoulCare Counseling, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.soulcarecounselingdfw.com/blog/help-my-partner-is-emotionally-unavailable
- How to Stay Away from a Married Man: 5 Helpful Strategies – Marriage Helper, accessed August 11, 2025, https://marriagehelper.com/stay-away-from-married-man/
- Why You’re Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Partners (And How to Break the Cycle), accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3XkpUIyr-k
- Ways to Stop Pursuing Emotionally Unavailable Partners | Blog …, accessed August 11, 2025, https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/ways-to-stop-pursuing-emotionally-unavailable-partners
- What to Do When You’re Married and Attracted to Someone Else – Moral Revolution, accessed August 11, 2025, https://moralrevolution.com/what-to-do-when-youre-married-and-attracted-to-someone-else/
