The Question That Broke Me: Why We’ve Been Asking the Wrong Thing About Male Infidelity

As a relationship counselor, I thought I had the answers.

For years, I operated with a well-worn checklist, a diagnostic toolkit filled with the usual suspects for why men cheat.

I could tick the boxes: insecurity ¹, a need for novelty ², a struggling relationship ³, unresolved childhood issues.¹

I was confident, practiced, and, as I would learn, profoundly wrong.

The moment my confidence shattered came in the form of a couple I’ll call Mark and Sarah.

They sat across from me, their marriage a landscape of scorched earth after Mark’s affair.

I pulled out my toolkit.

We talked about his need for validation, a common theme where men seek external affirmation to bolster a flagging ego.²

We explored their lack of intimacy, how they’d become more like roommates than lovers, a frequent precursor to infidelity.⁴

We even touched on the thrill of the chase, the adrenaline rush that some men find addictive.⁵

We identified all the “right” reasons.

Mark nodded along, Sarah cried.

And yet, we went nowhere.

The understanding didn’t lead to healing; it just gave them more sophisticated labels for their pain.

Every session felt like we were meticulously describing the leaky pipes on a sinking ship while ignoring the gaping hole in the hull.

Ultimately, they separated, more wounded and confused than when they had first walked into my office.

Their failure was my failure.

It was a professional breaking point that forced me to confront a devastating truth: my entire framework was broken.

The conventional “laundry list” of reasons, while factually accurate on the surface, was therapeutically useless.

It explained everything and nothing all at once, leaving couples trapped in a cycle of blame and shame.

I had to find a better way to ask the question.

The Anatomy of a Failed Explanation: The Laundry List of Pain

Before I found a new map, I had to fully understand why the old one led everyone astray.

The traditional approach to male infidelity is to compile a list of potential causes, a veritable buffet of blame from which to choose.

This approach generally falls into four categories.

The Psychological Profile

This is the “what’s wrong with him?” model.

It points to individual character flaws or psychological deficits.

Experts often cite immaturity, where a man lacks the experience or understanding of the consequences of his actions.¹

Others point to deep-seated selfishness or narcissistic traits, where a man prioritizes his own desires above all else, lacking the empathy to consider his partner’s pain.²

This category also includes profound insecurity, where an affair is used to bolster a fragile ego ², or the lingering effects of unresolved childhood trauma, which can create intimacy and attachment issues in adulthood.¹

The Relational Deficit Model

This model shifts the focus from the individual to the partnership, asking, “What was wrong with the relationship?” Here, infidelity is seen as a symptom of a failing connection.

The most common reasons cited are a lack of emotional or physical intimacy, where partners feel disconnected and lonely within the marriage.³

A man might feel unappreciated, unseen, or neglected, leading him to seek fulfillment elsewhere.²

Often, couples report having fallen into a “roommate” dynamic, devoid of passion and desire.³

Poor communication is another major factor; when needs aren’t expressed or heard, resentment can build, creating fertile ground for an affair.⁷

The Biological and Evolutionary “Excuse”

This is perhaps the most controversial category, often used as a post-hoc justification.

It leans on evolutionary psychology to suggest men are biologically “wired” to seek multiple partners to “spread their seed”.⁸

Other theories point to hormonal influences, suggesting that higher levels of testosterone or a particular dopamine receptor gene can increase promiscuous behavior.³

However, many researchers strongly contest these ideas, arguing that they are overly simplistic, ignore the complexity of human choice and social learning, and provide a convenient but flimsy excuse for betrayal.⁸

Sociological and Opportunity Factors

Finally, this category looks at the external environment.

Some men cheat because cultural or social norms around them enable or even encourage it.³

Opportunity is a significant factor; work environments, for instance, are common places where affair partners meet.¹¹

Furthermore, sociological studies have revealed complex links between money, power, and infidelity.

Men who are economically dependent on their wives, for example, may cheat to reclaim a threatened sense of masculinity, while high-earning men may cheat due to increased opportunity and a sense of entitlement.¹²

The problem with this comprehensive list is its very comprehensiveness.

With dozens of potential, often contradictory, reasons, it becomes a tool for assigning blame rather than for finding a solution.

It encourages a fruitless debate over whether the cause was his narcissism, her neglect, or his biology.

This approach is descriptive, not diagnostic.

It tells you what might be present, but not why it matters or how the pieces fit together into a coherent picture.

This was the intellectual and therapeutic dead end I hit with Mark and Sarah, and the one that plagues so many couples navigating this crisis.

The Epiphany: Discovering the System

My search for a better framework led me to an unexpected place, far from the typical literature on infidelity.

In my frustration, I began reading about organizational psychology and ecology, and I stumbled upon the work of psychiatrist Murray Bowen and the concepts of Family Systems Theory.¹⁵

A single sentence struck me like a lightning bolt: the idea that the “client might not be the source of problematic behavior; instead, it may arise from feedback loops and interconnections within the family system”.¹⁵

The theory proposed that a family, or a couple, is an emotional unit, a system.

The person exhibiting the most obvious problem—the “Identified Patient”—is often just the one carrying the symptoms for the entire system’s dysfunction.¹⁵

The problem wasn’t just Mark; the problem was the

Mark-and-Sarah system.

A Relationship Is Not a Line, It’s a Mobile

To make this abstract concept tangible, I developed an analogy that has since become the cornerstone of my practice.

I picture a baby’s mobile hanging over a crib.

It’s a delicate, interconnected structure.

If you touch just one of the hanging animals, you don’t just move that one piece.

The entire structure shudders, shifts, and rebalances.

Every other animal moves in response.

The old, linear model of blame sees infidelity as one person—one animal on the mobile—swinging wildly out of control.

But the systems model sees it differently.

It understands that a movement that dramatic is not an isolated event.

It is a powerful disruption that reveals the hidden tensions, the rigid connections, and the fundamental imbalances of the entire structure.

The affair isn’t just about the one who cheated; it’s about the physics of the whole system.

This shift in perspective is transformative.

It moves the conversation from a courtroom, where we seek to convict a villain, to a diagnostic lab, where we seek to understand a complex, interactive system.

To clarify this for myself and my clients, I developed a simple table to illustrate the paradigm shift.

The Old “Linear Blame” Model	The New “Systemic Diagnosis” Model
Unit of Analysis: The individual who cheated.	Unit of Analysis: The relationship system (the couple as a single entity). 15
Core Question: “What is wrong with him?” 1	Core Question: “What is this system producing, and why?” 15
View of Infidelity: The cause of the relationship’s breakdown.	View of Infidelity: A symptom of a pre-existing, often unspoken, systemic dysfunction. 15
Focus: Assigning blame and identifying a villain.	Focus: Identifying patterns, feedback loops, and hidden rules. 15
Outcome: Moral judgment, shame, and often a dead end.	Outcome: Understanding, systemic accountability, and pathways for genuine change. 20

Deconstructing the System: The Four Hidden Forces at Play

Viewing infidelity through a systems lens reveals four powerful, often invisible forces that govern a couple’s dynamic.

Understanding these forces is the key to diagnosing the real problem.

Force 1: Homeostasis – The System’s Desperate Need to Stay the Same

Every system, including a couple, has a powerful, unconscious drive to maintain a stable emotional state, a concept known as homeostasis.¹⁵

Crucially, this drive is for stability, not necessarily for health or happiness.

A couple can establish a “stable” equilibrium that is actually deeply painful, such as a state of chronic distance or conflict avoidance.

In this context, infidelity can emerge as a paradoxical and pathological attempt to manage the system’s homeostasis.

For example, if a couple’s unspoken rule is “We must never have a major conflict that threatens the marriage,” then genuine expressions of unhappiness, frustration, or unmet needs become forbidden.

This creates immense internal pressure.

An affair can become a secret “pressure-release valve,” allowing a man to get his needs for validation, emotional connection, or sexual excitement met outside the relationship.²

This outsourcing of threatening needs allows the primary system—the marriage—to remain superficially intact.

In this twisted way, the affair functions to

stabilize the dysfunctional system by preventing a direct, system-shattering confrontation.

It’s a misguided attempt to preserve the marriage by managing unbearable pressures in the only way the rigid system allows: secretly and outside its boundaries.

Force 2: The Identified Patient – Why One Person Carries the Symptoms for Two

The concept of the “Identified Patient” is central to systems thinking.¹⁵

It posits that one person in a system often manifests the symptoms of a dysfunction that belongs to the entire unit.

In the case of infidelity, the man who cheats is almost always labeled “the problem.” He is the one who acted out, who broke the rules.

A systems approach doesn’t absolve him of responsibility, but it asks a deeper question: Why him? Why did the system’s pressure find its release through his actions? This is where all the individual factors from the “laundry list” find their proper place.

They are not the root causes of the affair; they are the vulnerabilities that made him the most likely person to become the system’s “symptom bearer.”

• Psychological Vulnerabilities: A man’s personal history of trauma, narcissistic tendencies, or deep-seated insecurities are like pre-existing cracks in his foundation.³ When the relationship system exerts immense pressure, it is these cracks that are most likely to give way. He becomes the one most vulnerable to the system’s stress.¹⁵
• Sociological Pressures: Societal definitions of masculinity create a unique set of vulnerabilities. Research shows a strong link between subscribing to traditional masculine norms (like the “playboy” role or dominance) and pro-infidelity attitudes.²² A man socialized to suppress emotions may lack the tools to address relationship problems directly, seeking a “workaround” instead.¹² Furthermore, if a man’s identity is heavily tied to being the provider, a threat to that status—such as being out-earned by his wife—can trigger compensatory behaviors like infidelity to reassert his masculinity.¹³

This framework provides a unified theory for infidelity.

It’s not a simple case of “it’s his fault” versus “it’s the relationship’s fault.” It’s both.

The dysfunctional system creates the pressure, and the individual’s unique psychological and sociological vulnerabilities determine who will act as the release valve.

Force 3: Feedback Loops – How “Fixing” the Problem Can Make It Worse

Systems don’t operate in a straight line; they operate in circles.

Systems theory uses the concept of “circular causality” to describe how A’s behavior influences B, and B’s reaction then influences A, creating a self-perpetuating feedback loop.¹⁵

This is a stark contrast to the linear model of blame (He cheated, therefore she is hurt).

A common feedback loop in couples struggling with infidelity looks like this:

1. Initial State: Partner A feels emotionally neglected, criticized, or unappreciated in the relationship and begins to withdraw emotionally or physically.²
2. Action: Partner B (the man) experiences this withdrawal as a profound rejection or a threat to his sense of self-worth.² Lacking the skills to address this directly and driven by his own vulnerabilities, he seeks validation from an external source—the affair partner.
3. Reaction: Partner A senses the increased distance or discovers the betrayal. Her response is often intense suspicion, increased monitoring, anger, and further criticism.²⁴
4. Reinforcement: This reaction from Partner A now confirms Partner B’s original feeling of being unappreciated, controlled, and criticized. He may use this as a justification for his actions, deepening his emotional investment in the affair, where he feels admired and accepted.⁵

The loop is now complete and viciously self-sustaining.

Each person’s attempted “solution” (his affair, her monitoring) becomes the other person’s primary problem, locking them in a destructive dance.

This is precisely the impasse observed in many therapy case studies, where couples are stuck repeating the same painful cycle.²⁷

Force 4: Broken Boundaries and Triangulation

A healthy couple system has clear boundaries—the unspoken rules that define who is in the relationship and how they interact.¹⁶

An affair is the ultimate boundary violation.

It shatters the primary emotional and sexual boundary around the couple and introduces a third person, creating a classic dysfunctional triangle.¹⁷

In systems theory, triangulation occurs when tension between two people is relieved by pulling in a third party.¹⁷

The affair partner becomes the third point of this unstable triangle.

All the emotional energy, conflict, secrets, and unmet needs that cannot be managed within the dyad are deflected onto the affair relationship.²⁹

This is where we can understand the function of the lie.

In a linear blame model, lying is simply a moral failure.

In a systems model, the intricate web of deception and compartmentalization is a functional requirement to maintain the unstable triangle.⁵

The secrecy is the fragile container that allows the affair to exist without causing the primary system to immediately implode.

It doesn’t excuse the lie, but it explains its systemic role.

The lie is what holds the broken structure together, and its discovery is what forces the inevitable collapse.

As renowned therapist Esther Perel suggests, the revelation of an affair marks the definitive end of the “first marriage”.²¹

Rebuilding the System: A Path Forward

Understanding the systemic forces at play does not mean excusing the person who cheated.

Instead, it paves the way for a more profound and effective form of healing: moving from linear blame to systemic accountability.

This requires different but equally important work from both partners.

From Blame to Systemic Accountability: A New Conversation

Successful recovery requires a fundamental shift in the conversation.

It’s not about one person being the villain and the other the victim; it’s about two people taking responsibility for their roles in a system that failed.

• The Work of the Unfaithful Partner: The person who cheated must take 100% accountability for their choice to violate the relationship’s boundaries. There is no excuse for this choice. Their work involves ending the affair completely and committing to radical honesty, no matter how difficult.²⁰ It also involves deep introspection to understand the personal vulnerabilities—the cracks in their foundation—that made them susceptible to acting as the system’s pressure valve.³¹ This is the arduous, non-negotiable work of rebuilding trust.
• The Work of the Betrayed Partner: Their work is emphatically not to accept blame for the affair. The choice to cheat belonged to their partner alone. Their accountability lies in examining their own role in the dysfunctional system that existed before the affair. This may involve acknowledging patterns of communication, conflict avoidance, or criticism that contributed to the toxic homeostasis that made the system vulnerable.²⁴ This is not about blame; it’s about reclaiming their own power by understanding the full dynamic.
• The Couple’s Work: Together, their job is to grieve the death of their “first marriage” and decide if they want to build a “second one”.²¹ This is not about going back to the way things were; that system was broken. It’s about consciously co-creating a new system with new rules, healthier boundaries, and functional, honest ways to handle conflict and express needs. This is the essence of successful reconciliation, a process where both partners commit to deep, transformative work, as seen in the stories of couples who emerge stronger.³⁰

Conclusion: The Choice for a New System

I often think back to Mark and Sarah, the couple whose failure set me on this path.

I failed them because I only had a list of symptoms, not a diagnosis of the system.

Today, when a couple like “David and Emily” comes to my office, the conversation is different.

After David’s affair, we were able to move beyond the “who’s to blame?” cycle by mapping their system.

David took full responsibility for his choice to cheat, exploring the insecurities that made him seek external validation.

Emily, without taking any blame for his actions, took responsibility for her role in their long-standing pattern of conflict avoidance, which had left them both feeling isolated.

They didn’t save their first marriage.

It was already gone.

Instead, they chose to build a second one—one based on the painful but powerful truths the affair had forced into the light.

The pain of infidelity is undeniable and devastating.

But by shifting our lens from a simplistic search for a villain to a compassionate diagnosis of a broken system, we find a more hopeful and constructive path forward.

The ultimate question is not just “Why did he cheat?” It is a question for both partners: “What was our system producing, and what kind of system do we choose to build now?” Answering that question, whether together or apart, is the first step toward genuine healing.

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